A portrait of the famous photographer
All my friends (except one cunt) and loved ones think what I’m producing is getting better, is good. I’ve been working hard. But they are supposed to say placatory things like that so I don’t reveal their despicable secrets. Also, they’re all very nice and all have great taste (except one cunt), but they don’t work at this everyday, so the advice they can give is limited.
So whilst I’m in Europe I’d like to hunt down some photographers who’ve established themselves and see if they’ll have a chat with me about what I’ve been doing and plan to do. I’m a bit anxious about how I should go about doing that. So I’ve interviewed a famous photographer:
Adnan: Yo.
Famous: What’s uuuuuuuupppppp.
A: Listen, how should someone contact you if they’re just starting out and want some advice? Thanks for seeing me by the way.
F: I didn’t have a choice fuckrod, you’re making this up. As to your predictable question: they shouldn’t contact me. I’m busy. The economy is collapsing. I’m sleeping with my best friend’s husband, and I have these nasty, nasty sores that are killing me. People should just stop sending me crapmail that I automatically trash and go away and do their own work. You wouldn’t believe the pure unadulterated shit that turns up in my mailbox. ‘Here’s a picture of my horse. Do you think I should contact Steidl?’ Umm, hell no bitch. Go to law school and start a fucking revolution.
A: Right. Sure. I see what you mean.
F: No you don’t dumbass. What I’m saying is that you should have good work to show before you waste my time. There’s a million photographers. Did you hear that? A million. That’s like a city. A city full of photographers. Just thinking about that makes my sores flare up. And 80% of them are doing it so they can sleep with hot girls, the other 20% are nitwits. It’s my 80/20 rule. See what I’m saying? No? I’m saying most people aren’t committed to it. It’d help if you had shown some commitment so that I know I’m not spending my gold minted time on your waste of a life.
A: Well I’ve been working hard at things, I’m nearing 30000 photos and I shoot good street. I read a lot and am aware of the history …
F: Hahah, ‘good street’ is an oxymoron, moron. Ok, so you’re in the 80%, great. Now you have to get over the other hurdle. Here’s a secret, there is no good photography. There’s only photography that I like. If I don’t like your photography than it’s no good. Get it?Thinking is hard for you isn’t it? I mean you have to contact people who are going to be receptive to the work that you do. Who can judge without the prejudice that they hate your kind of work anyway. Don’t give me crap about your stuff is unique. Nothing’s unique. Now here’s another secret: how do you tell what work a photographer likes? Their own! We’re artists. All we care about are ourselves, oh and saving the planet, railing against bourgeois taste etc. etc. So find people whose work you like, and contact them first. There is another class of people, but there’s only like 10 of them in the entire world, and those are people who are so open hearted that they can look beyond differences in your work with theirs and still give you good advice. I’m not one of those people, your work isn’t fit to clean my ass with. Stop wasting your time.
A: But you haven’t even seen it.
F: Well I’ve met you haven’ t I? That’s all I need to know.
A: Ok, so I make a list of photographers whose styles I like and I think will be open to my work. What then?
F: Well, try to find a phone number for them. Or a mailing address. Try to stay away from email. It’s what everyone else uses. The best is if you can just ‘run into them’ somewhere. A gallery opening may be ok. Now, don’t get me wrong, most of the time you’ll be reduced to an email, but it’s good if you’ve got other ways of contacting them. Most of the time you’re not going to get a response. Getting their details can be hard. I damn well make sure mine are hard to find. But search. And I don’t mean the Intertube. That needs a bypass. Often they will have a representative, and you can try calling up the rep and seeing if they’ll forward your details and a message on. You’re making me talk about hella boring shit here, but you’ve got to be persistent. It’s best to be a little annoying but be charming at the same time. Also, it’s good to be recommended. Meeting people through other people. So go and hang out, have some free shit wine somewhere. Get drunk. You need to.
A: Cool. So find analogue ways of contact them as a first resort. Then what, what should my letter, call, conversation, email say?
F: What’re you in the mental ward of the local zoo? You say you like their work. Which you do right? But don’t be a boob, say what you like about it, what personal connection you have. That’s why you’re contacting that photographer right? Because their work has had an impact. Then talk about your own work and what you’re trying to do. Try to sound sane. This is very important: ‘sound sane!’ Don’t write 30 pages (like this mock interview), and don’t write a mail merge three line advertisement. Be sincere, be yourself.
A: Allright.
F: Well don’t be the dweeb that you really are. Dress it up just a little bit. Ok, then request something specific. Whether it’s 30 minutes to have a talk about your work, and what you’d like to do in the future. Whether you can meet them at a gallery if they are showing. But be specific about what you want and when. It’s good that you’re going over there and can be in the cities to meet them. These things happen face to face. Don’t let them palm you off to a portfolio review, that’s a scam for the herds.
A: Ok, thanks for the advice.
F: Leave me alone. But, let me tell you this. You will probably be disappointed by what you get from all this. Real mentorship comes from friendship, not some grubby social climbing. If you work hard, produce good work and get it out there, you’ll meet others who are doing the same. You’ll meet people you respect and you’ll meet them as friends. But I guess you have to learn your own lessons. So good luck, jackass. Close that door on your way out.
Posted 2 years ago
