I wanted to write up some notes and procedures on how to break up a relationship. I’ve been through my fair share recently, and I think I can provide a thoroughly imaginative, yet mundane, step by step guide.
Make it dramatic!
Really you don’t get that many goes, and rarely do you get such a willing participant in a drama. Start failing your arms about, undo your pants, throw it at them. Make sure you pick a public place for this spectacle. It’s best if your (and her) friends are around. A party is perfect. But if you are going to do it at a party make sure you do it early whilst everybody can still remember shit (but not when they’re totally sober, they may try to stop you), and give them time to discuss it for the rest of the party. Be careful to not veer into melodrama, you want people to be really scared that they are in this awkward situation with you two. Don’t give them the chance to distance themselves.
Bring up the past, in spades
If you are any good, you’re already carrying around notes of past transgressions that the other party has made and this is a great time to get them out. Dredge deep into apparently insignificant slights that person has caused you. The smaller, the better. Smaller things are more psychologically suggestive. Really wallow in all the wrongs. It’s good to bring up some of the happy memories as well, only so that you can throw them into question. For example ‘Oh yeah I did come 4 times that time, but I was thinking about my 3rd grade teacher, so who knows really if you’re any good in bed?’
Lie
It’s best if you throw in some outright lies, so that the other person becomes utterly maniacal and starts bringing up all your faults. This is what you’re working towards. Now with both of you taunting and insulting each other you can climb the glorious spiral of vitriol to a heavenly individual implosion.
Total war, take no prisoners
What will hurt most is the lack of a future. Bring up all the fun things that you were going to do, those fantastical plans that bound you two together. Say how you’ll have to find someone else to do those things with now. Again, if you’ve been following my past guides, you’ve already created an arch-nemesis for your partner amongst your friends. Some girl who makes her insecure. Bring her up. Show evidence that you’ve been going to her for emotional support during this difficult period.
Feign sadness
I know this is going to be a hard one to follow. But you have to make sure the other person is emotionally engaged. The best is if you can actually make yourself sad. The insults and barbs will be sharper and dig deeper that way, both for you and the other person. Tears help, but physical acting is the best. Throw yourself around a little. A bit of James Dean will not hurt your cause. Touch your face a lot.
End it abruptly
A really good break-up never ends. There’s always something else to say. Make sure you pre-emptively end the initial fight so that the other person feels zipped, that they didn’t get to say what they wanted to say. Let things fester. Leave things unsaid and without closure. Trust me, you’ll thank me in the long run.
Flirt at the same time
This is an advanced manoeuvre but one that is certain to get results. Whilst breaking up, try looking at some hot girls. Or even better express new found interest in the same sex. Again a party is perfect, but fashion shoots, Kookai, or the beach are also excellent places to put this technique into action. For example, ‘And who gets to keep the fridge? <Whistle> Whoa, take a look at her. I feel so free right now!’. Be physically prepared for an attack, as 40% of the time your partner will try to knock you in the head with something. Just beautiful!
Make random, unwanted contact
After the initial break up, the thing to do is to be totally random. Contact at odd times. Leave long periods where they hear nothing from you. But always end up making contact. If you’re starting out pretend to be wasted in your initial contacts. Send poetry (if you’ve never done), used condoms (not a real ones of course! That’s gross. Use diluted glue), mail love letters pretending as if you’d never broken up in the first place. Turn up at some family gatherings at your ex’s with two longnecks of Fosters. I can’t imagine anything more worthwhile you could be doing with your life, post breakup.
Posted 2 years ago
